I’m worried about someone else

You can create a safe place to speak in private and ask if everyone is ok, letting them know you are concerned and want to help. They may not be ready to talk, so be patient and continue creating a safe, non-judgemental space for when they are ready to talk.

If it’s safe to do so, bring the topic up yourself and try to be direct. You could ask questions such as:

• “You haven’t seemed yourself lately. Is there anything you want to talk about?”
• “Is everything ok at home?”

Use supportive language and questioning, such as “I’m worried about you because…” or “I’m concerned about your safety and wellbeing because…”

Try not to criticise the abuser or their relationship, instead focus on them and their safety. You don’t have to know all of the answers, the important thing is to help your friend or loved one break the silence – the impact of this cannot be underestimated.

Your loved one may deny or downplay the situation, there are many reasons for this so try not to judge. It takes a lot for someone to accept that they’re in an abusive relationship; they may feel ashamed or that they’re to blame for the abuse.

Don’t force them to open up to you, as this might alienate them and make it harder for them to ask for help when they need it in the future. Be kind, gentle and patient.

When someone reaches out, or is ready to talk, thank them for sharing and make sure they know that your conversation won’t go any further. Acknowledge that they are taking an important and brave step by reaching out for support, but don’t push for details or tell them what to do.

Focus on their strengths and how well they’re coping in a frightening and difficult situation to help build their confidence and empower them to open up and take further steps to reach safety.

By listening to them talk, you are being a big support. Give them the time and space to express their feelings, whilst letting them know that you care for them, will support them and they’re not going through this alone.

Too often, women are disbelieved or dismissed when they share their experiences. Everyone around them might think well of their abuser, and they may be worried that they won’t be taken seriously.

You can show them that they are believed, that you are hearing them and that their words, experiences and feelings are totally valid. Acknowledge the strength that it has taken to talk about the abuse and remind them that they are not alone.

Their abuser may have told them that they deserve the abuse. Reassure them that this is not true, it is never the victims fault.

Confirm to them that no-one deserves to be threatened or hurt, no matter what. There is no justification for the abuser’s behaviour, and the abuser is the only one responsible for their actions.

They are not to blame for what is happening to them.

It can be very hard to hear the experiences of a loved one, and your natural feelings may come across as judgemental words. Whilst being clear that the abuse is wrong, you need to support your friend/family member in whatever decisions they are currently making in regards to their relationship. Let your loved one know that you will be supporting them without judgement, and help them to seek professional support if that’s what they want. More than anything, stay in touch and be a safe space for them.

Supporting a loved one through their experiences of domestic abuse can be difficult. You don’t want to see them get hurt, but may have to watch them carry on with the relationship when you think they should leave the abuser or report them to the police. As a friend, you can offer them something that the abuser isn’t – control of their life. They have to make the decision to leave in their own time and when they feel ready; it takes a great deal of courage to leave an abusive relationship.

On average, it takes a woman seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship, with risk being at it’s highest for a victim when they are attempting to leave.

You can support your loved one by acknowledging the barriers to leaving, such as the impact on their children, financial stability or lack of access to safe accommodation. They may feel embarrassed about their situation, or may still love the abuser and hope that they can change. Believe their fear of what the abuser will do to them, and their children, if they leave or attempt to leave.

Ask them what they need to ensure they are safe. You can empower your friend by encouraging them to look at our suggestions for keeping safe and reducing risk, and help them to plan in case of an emergency.

It’s important to recognise that attempting to flee can be the most dangerous time for them, so this is when professional support is incredibly important.

Whilst supporting a loved one, remember to keep yourself safe and not to put yourself in any dangerous situations.

You shouldn’t offer to talk to the abuser regarding the situation, or put yourself in a position where you could be seen as a threat to their relationship. If the abuser finds out that they are reaching out for help, or you confront them about the abuse, this may escalate the abuse for your loved one.